How Listening Hard Can Improve Your Relationships

I practiced the skill I want to talk about today.  Listening Hard.    

When we are around other people who understand how to Listen Hard, communication is easy peasy.  When we are not, it requires being able to observe what is really happening.  A bit tricky . . .

Like when I remembered witnessing a young couple arguing several yards away from where I was dining.   Based on their body language it was intense.  And then it got physical for a little minute.  What seemed like family or close friends stepped in and calmed things down.  However, arguing visibly continued.  

 The coach in me wanted to intervene and mediate.  Help each of them see the other point of view.  That was not going to happen, but it made me realize that Listening Hard is a great skill to have.  

 Listening Hard is a challenge still for me.  I grew up in a family where debates and disagreements on various topics were the dinner table norm.  Then I went on to intentionally raise my boys to be independent thinkers and exercise their ability to disagree and discuss.  

 However, being open to discussion is very different than Listening Hard.  

 LISTENING requires skill.  

 It requires learning how to see the point of view of the other person to understand clearly what they are saying.   This may sound easy - but it can be very tricky.

 Our brilliant brain mostly wants to talk.  Listening is a conscious skill.  It requires us over-riding our own brain's natural desire to speak.

Our Brilliant Brain Mostly Wants to Talk

You see, there are several components to a conversation. 

ONE.  What the other person is saying. Their words.

TWO.  What they are thinking they are saying. Intention. 

THREE.  What you are hearing. The interpretation of their words.

FOUR.  What you are thinking about what they are saying.  The meaning you are putting on it.  How it makes you feel. 

How To Listen Hard

Most of us are already thinking about what we want to say when someone else is talking.  So the first thing required is to become aware of that and consciously just listen.  

The next key to Listening Hard is to put yourself in their shoes.  Ask yourself these questions.  

"Why are they saying this?"   [ trying to understand their intention in addition to their words] 

Another way to ask this is, "What is going on in their mind?"  

An IMPORTANT key here is to stay focused on the other person.  This is a point where most conversations go south.  Because you, the listener tend to take the words being said along with your interpretation of them as personal.  Wires get crossed.  What they meant and what you heard are not the same. 

If you feel yourself personalizing the conversation, move your attention back to listening. Listening requires a curious mind.  It is an open mind that wants to know more and more.  It wants to understand. 

A great question I ask myself in this situation is - "What must someone believe to be saying this . . . or believe to be saying this in the way they are saying it."

Conversations turn south when both people get emotional. 

Stay with me here, because this is key to understand. In order for you [the listener] to get emotional, you have to be thinking of yourself and have stopped listening. You have taken something personal.  Meaning when you have personalized what the other is saying, you have been triggered.

You would maybe be thinking about how what they said is judgemental or not nice.  Or how you don't agree with their viewpoint.  You see, we take their words or at least what we think they are saying and WE put meaning on it based on our own beliefs and thoughts.  We put meaning on it . . . even if it is inaccurate.

The Challenge to Change

This week in your conversations practice Listening Hard.  This works with co-workers, clients, employees, sweethearts, parents, and kids. 

In the moments as we all wake-up to things we have seen but not accepted, accepted before and can not anymore or felt unable to own our part . . . Listening Hard will be an important skill.  

KEEP YOUR ATTENTION ON THE OTHER.  LISTEN HARD.  We have much to learn my friends.  We all have much to learn. 

When you develop the skill of Listening Hard it becomes a tool that will quite literally change the game of how you interact with others.  And in return, it will change your ability to really hear what is being said.  

If you would like to learn more about Listening Hard to better interact with your relationships, we would love to have you join us at RēL Coaching we do this work every beautiful day of our lives. 

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